mindyone1

bad joke of the day

2009-11-12T01:47:48Z

So last night i found a community of people that work (or worked for) the Northwest company, which is who i had the interview with yesterday. I haven't heard a negative thing yet. Everyone said how great the company was to work for, how good the money was and how beautiful the areas were to live in. One guy worked for them for 2.5 years and worked in 5 different communities. I'm really getting excited for the info-session-thingy.

So in other news, Gibbs got a bath today. He was one filthy puppy. It's the 2 long walks today and tearing through the bush in the backyard that makes him that way. The only problem tonight was that he got some shampoo in his eye and it swelled up so it looked kind of freaky...all bloodshot and puffy. As soon as he got out of the tub, he went nuts. Rubbed against everything, fell off the couch rolling. And then when i had my shower, he kept trying to get back into the water. He's a little crazy.

Today is November 11 and here is today's joke:

Hick computer terms

Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.

Log Off: Don't add no wood.

Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.

Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.

Mega Hertz: When yer not careful down loadin'.

Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.

Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.

Hard Drive: Getting' home in the winter season.

Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.

Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.

Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.

Byte: That's what the flies do.

Chip: What to munch on.

Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.

Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.

Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.

Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.

Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.

Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.

Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.

Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.

Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.

Port: Fancy wine.

Enter: C'mon in.

Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.

see you tomorrow!

ps-I know that today is Rememberance Day but it was super emotional watching them lay the wreath for my grandfather today and i'm not sure why, so i just needed the joke.

bad joke of the day

2009-11-11T03:43:37Z

Okay, so about a week or so ago, i sent in a resume to a company that owns stores (think a cross between Wal-Mart and Costco) up North. Like WAY up north, like communities that are only accessible by plane, thinking that i probably wouldn't hear from them. So imagine my suprise when I get a phone call from them, telling me that there is an info session and interview that i should attend in Toronto in early December. I'm seriously thinking about it. They have places in Northern Ontario, Quebec, Manitoba, as well as the Northwest Territories and Nunavet. I would go anywhere except Quebec (i don't speak much more than a basic level of french). They pay for housing and subsidize your food, they also pay your heat and hydro, as well as your relocation expenses. I have a friend who lived in Nunavet, the year it became Nunavet and said that she would go back again in a minute. My only 2 drawbacks are Gibbs and my Dad. I don't know if i could stand to be that far away from them! Mom said that Gibbs could probably go with me but then that would break my dad's heart and...it's my dad! ARGH! I don't know. I'm going to wait until the info session/interview and go from there. Today is November 10 and here is today's joke:

Q: What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller?

A: See flat major.

see you tomorrow!

bad joke of the day

2009-11-10T03:32:33Z

So i made a decision, and I've gotten a new family doctor. My doctor is really good and everything but i'm not really trusting him right now. You know how, females are supposed to have certain tests done every year? Never been done. The only time I had that ONE done was when i had my ovarian cyst and the OB/GYN at the hospital did them. I asked my doc about them and he said that they weren't necessary. So i called my grandma's doctor (who is also my aunt and uncle's doc) and i explained to her what was going on with my doc and she told me to come in tomorrow and fill out the paper work that i need to. Gibbs is sound asleep. We walked about 3 kilometres today. We did it in 2 walks but he's wiped out. And being super cuddly...except when my mother tries to cuddle him. Then he growls and tries to eat her face. I don't get what it is about her! Today is November 9 and here is today's joke:

These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...

"IT'S A GUY THING"

Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"

Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"

Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."

Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

Translated:* "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."

Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car

I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."

Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."

Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."

Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."

Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

see you tomorrow!

bad joke of the day

2009-11-09T03:35:41Z

I have the Mythbusters on right now and they are doing entire episode on DuctTape. The staple of every Canadian tool box on the face of the earth. Early in the epi, they showed how to make a potato gun (good clean Canadian fun!) using pvc pipe and ducttape. Gotta love educational tv. So today gibbs and i went for a long walk, we played with the dogs next door and failed to take a nap. I'm wiped! Today is November 8 and here is today's joke:

Some police quotes

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

see you tomorrow!

bad joke of the day

2009-11-08T03:45:51Z

So Gibbs is one pooched pooch tonight. He went to a 60-minute puppy class where he learned how to 'sit' and we started working on keeping his attention while out in a busy place (the class takes place in the middle of the Pet-smart store, in a penned area but you 'work' on the commands out in the store, where there are distractions) and not jumping up when people greet him. He loved it. I think he loved the fact that he got cheese as a reward. One lady gave her dog potato chips. At least Gibbs got something healthy. When we came home, we played at the "Coldwater Dog Park" (aka, the cemetary because it's the only fenced area in town) with 3 other neighbourhood dogs, including an 8 week old puppy. Gibbs tore around after Chevy, the retriever from next door. I know that i should have had my camera but i didn't. Next time, I promise. He was so tired after all that, that his eyes were literally rolling up into his head when he was trying to look at you, he was so tired. Earlier tonight, Taz was stretched across my lap and Gibbs was laying with his head on Taz's back. Both of them seemed happy. Put it this way, he was so tired, he didn't even beg to get in the shower tonight! Poor baby! Today is November 7 and here is today's joke:

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.

So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.

Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.

The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.

"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.

Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.

She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.

She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"

The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."

see you tomorrow!

more gibbs cuteness!

2009-11-08T00:16:27Z

So here's a couple that i took today of Gibbs AFTER he went to puppy school AND played with the neighbour's 2 dogs and Chevy, the other neighbour's dog! He was pretty exhausted!

He got the bed yesterday!

He loves the soft part of the edges

I caught him looking (sort of) at Taz as he walked by

The bulge in his cheek is the end of a rawhide bone that he won't let me get to throw out

About 10 minutes after this, he was sound asleep again and snoring

bad joke of the day

2009-11-07T01:11:59Z

So it was a big day for the psycho puppy! He went to the vet and got his final round of needles until he's a year old AND he got a new fuzzy bed. He now weighs 14.9 pounds, which means that he will be (approximatly) 35-40 pounds, which is big for a cocker spaniel. Mom went to Zellar's today and got him a dog bed. They were on sale for $10 and he loves it, when he's not trying to eat it. Tomorrow we start puppy classes in Barrie, so that should be interesting. In bigger news, Missy sold her house! They have to be out on the 27 of November. which really isn't a lot of time! They are hoping to be in the new place by Christmas *crosses her fingers and toes for them* I had the kiddies, well, the older one before school let out because he's still 'sick'. Anyway, the younger one brought home work for the older one to do before he goes back on Monday, to which the older one replied "Why did you bring that? I'm not doing it". Needless to say, he did some tonight with me and will finish it tomorrow when i have him. Today is November 6 and here is today's joke:

Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?

A: Branch Manager.

see you tomorrow!

pic of gibbs

2009-11-06T05:11:58Z

Dad and Gibbs

bad joke of the day

2009-11-06T03:45:58Z

Okay, so Gibbs jumped in the shower again tonight. I posted a picture of him last night right after he got out of it. So i had the one kiddie ALL day today because he's still sick. Our school board is saying that the kid has to be symptom-free for 24 hours before they are allowed to come back to school. Not that many parents are sticking to it. So i went over there at 10:30 this morning and the kiddie and i went over around noon to check on the little Spawn of Satan, only to find out that he had the mother of all temper tantrums. He ate dozens of my mom's patterns and papers and crap that were within his reach. It looked like a bomb went off in the dining/lving room! I have to say that i don't really feel sorry for her because she leaves the stuff close to his toys and it's there!

I have video of the pooch but i don't know how to post it. Any suggestions? Today is November 5 and here is today's joke:

For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?

I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.

Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.

I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.

My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?

I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

see you tomorrow!

ps-the Toronto Santa Claus parade is in 10 days!

gibbs

2009-11-06T02:15:14Z

Fresh out of the shower

bad joke of the day

2009-11-05T03:33:24Z

My name is Mindy and my animals aren't normal. Is there a support group for this? I get that Gibbs likes water but when he JUMPS into the shower while you are in there, it's a little strange. This is the first time that he's actually managed it, so we were both a little surprised. Then he tried to 'kill' the water. So we get out and of course, he won't let me dry him off, he just tries to eat the towel so i let him go. He then turns into demon dog (he should really be wearing a cape when he does this). He runs through the downstairs and launches himself at everything: the cat, the stove, the couch, human legs that happen to get in his way. I'm not sure what he's trying to accomplish but he's aparently having a good time trying. Did i mention that while he's flying through the air with the greatest of ease, he's growling at the top of his lungs? Not bad growling, just being really vocal. The poor cats don't know what to think. I'm pretty sure that at one point Taz was trying to trip him. Today is November 4 and here is today's joke:

Q-Why was the Egyptian girl worried?

A-Because her daddy was a mummy!

see you tomorrow!

bad joke of the day

2009-11-04T02:57:30Z

So i had the interview today and the job is mine if i want it. The plus side is that it's cash and i get paid even if i have time off. And the babies are totally adorable. Like beyond beautiful. The downside is that it's 1 week at her place and then 1 week at her ex-partner. He is another 15 minutes further than Penetang, on even crappier roads. And if it's bad weather, they sometimes stay overnight where they work, and i wouldn't get extra pay for that. And the roads to the place really, really suck. Even in just the rain, like we had today. They are even worse in the winter. And Penetang is one big hill. So i said that i would let her know in a couple of days. I don't mind spltting where i am with the boys, i just don't want to get stuck inbetween a couple who, for right now, are happy with joint custody, but what happens if things turn nasty? I don't want to be in the middle. Today is November 3 and here is today's joke:

Bumper stickers 03

All generalizations are false, including this one.

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

see you tomorrow!

bad joke of the day

2009-11-03T03:21:40Z

So it's Monday night and that means that it's time for Canada's Worst Driver. The one girl just stated "I think i stopped but the car kept going!" Where do i hand in my licence? I got my van back tonight and it cost $575 dollars but now it should be okay. I didn't have the kiddies today because their dad stayed home with them and the mom changed her shift tomorrow so she has them. I have a job interview tomorrow to be a full-time nanny for 8-month old twins in Penetang. I love the family i'm with now but this is more money and it's a guarenteed 48 hours a week, with friday's off. It's a much longer drive too. Almost 40 minutes, one way. And it's highway 12, which sucks during the winter...oh well, you never know until you do it. Today is November 2 and here is today's joke:

Bumper stickers 05

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

All men are idiots....I married their king.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

see you tomorrow!

bad joke of the day

2009-11-02T02:08:30Z

So i ended up with the kiddies for about an hour and a half this afternoon because, well, they have the flu. Their mom had to run to Orillia to get kids Tylenol and Motrin and crap because you can't find a bottle of either in all of Coldwater. The older one started with the puking and fever last night after trick or treating and the younger one woke up with a fever this morning. Their school has an absent-rate of more than 30 percent right now. When you're school only has 400 kids, that's a lot. In other news, Gibbs got another bath today. He LOVES to root and dig in the backyard, so he came in smelling like gross dirt and had burrs and crap in his fur, so he went into the tub. He doesn't mind the water but he's not a huge fan of the actual washing part. When he got out, he went nuts. Tore through the house, rubbing his face on everything, dragging his blanket all over the place. It was hilarious. Today is November 1 and here is today's joke:

Bumper stickers 16

"All generalizations are false."

"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."

Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."

"Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death"

"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"

"Work is for people who don't know how to fish"

"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

see you tomorrow!

st. vincent's beach

2009-11-01T18:11:41Z

So here it is again, Taz shouldn't show up in this one!

bad joke of the day

2009-11-01T02:15:27Z

Happy Hallowe'en everyone! We turned our lights out at 8 pm (like we always do) after having only about 30 kids. True that the weather was crap: rainy, windy and cold but there just wasn't a lot of kids on the road. We only had about 10 kids that were under 12 or so. So i took the van in today and it is something on the driveshaft that has to be replaced. I will get it back on Monday. While we were in Barrie, Dad and I ran into Chapters and i got the new Bon Jovi book. I know, i'm a uber-fan. This book is called "when we were beautiful" (come on, Jon is still freakin' HOT!). It's a book that documents the last 25 years of the band's history. They also have a new cd coming out next week :) Today is October 31 and here is today's joke:

John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.

When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.

"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand.

"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

see you tomorrow!

odds and ends of pictures

2009-11-01T01:48:42Z

So i was going through my picture library and thought that some of these would be good to stick up. Some are of Gibbs, some are from Newfoundland and I think there may be a couple from my backyard...enjoy!

St. Vincent's

The Royal Tattoo at Signal Hill

Drummer for the Tattoo band

Gourds in our backyard

Taz in the dog cage

Gibbs and Dad

Gibbs and his blanket

bad joke of the day

2009-10-31T02:20:31Z

So I'm supposed to be at my cousin's place in Cambridge right now but I am sitting in my bedroom in Coldwater. I went to drive to get the kids for lunch today and literally had very little steering in my van. Like 'my wheels are encased in cement' can't move the steering wheel. I spent an hour on the phone with the kia dealers around here (there are 3), trying to get my vehicle in. I finally got an appointment for 11 tomorrow morning in Barrie. They think that it's the u-joint that is gone. Apparently this is a huge problem in these vans. All i know is that i have to spend close to 4 freakin' hours at the shop tomorrow waiting for it. The good news is that Dad said that he will probably follow me down so we can go somewhere. Today is October 30 and here is today's joke:

**Today's Joke is curteosy of Scoobysnacks** Thanks babe!

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Hallowe'en party. He doesn 't know what costume to wear to hide his head and leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir;

Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a samll parcel, and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,

Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume co.
see you tomorrow!

bad joke of the day

2009-10-30T02:42:33Z

So last night I couldn't sleep because my lower back and hips felt like they were going to explode. So instead of watching infomercials all night, i played online. I went onto Youtube and found a bunch of shows that i watched as a kid! For those of you in Canada, someone had posted a bunch of episodes of the Friendly Giant! I used to love that show. Just listening to the intro music made me feel like i was 5 again. I also found episodes of The Wuzzels, the Gummibears and Muppet Babies! We had the best cartoons on Saturday mornings! The kiddies have digital cable so they get all the great channels and one of them airs The Hilarious House of Frightenstien twice a day. And in good news, i have them hooked on it. It's so much better than some of the crap they watch. Cheesy, but good. Today is October 29 and here is today's joke:

The 2000 Darwin awards!

(15 July 1999, Alabama) A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries sustained from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy. His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the railing, which he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip slipped, sending him plummeting 24 feet to the cement below.

The military specialist had a blood alcohol content of 0.14%, impairing his judgment and paving the way for his opportunity to win a Darwin Award.

(11 August 1999) A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the eclipse while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind him stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the partially occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge pier. He had apparently just donned his solar viewers, which are dark enough to totally obscure everything except the sun.

(25 May 1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while fishing in the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water. The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. In an ironic twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the first anniversary of his mother-in-law's death.

(16 August 1999, Germany) A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved dog was howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to have pressed the trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play.

(1991, Nicosia, Cypress) Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter was shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that that the victim, named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of his shotgun behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt and pulled the trigger, shooting Ali in the head.

(August 1999, Australia) Drinking oneself to death need not be a long lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney, Australia hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral Friday, with a 100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1 point for beer to 8 points for hard liquor. Allan stood and cheered his winning total of 236, (winners never quit!) which had also netted him the literally staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353, 7 times greater than Australia's legal driving limit of 0.05%. After several trips to the usual temple of overindulgence, the bathroom, Allan was helped back to his workplace to sleep it off, a condition that became permanent. A forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4 bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40 minutes, his blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to 0.43, but Allan had vomited several times after the drinking stopped. The cost paid by Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening. It is not known whether Allan required any further embalming.

First Runner Up Award goes to ...

(22 March 1999, Phnom Penh) Decades of armed strife has littered Cambodia with unexploded munitions and ordnance. Authorities warn citizens not to tamper with the devices. Three friends recently spent an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults at a local cafe in the southeastern province of Svay Rieng. Their companionable arguing continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded anti-tank mine found in his backyard. He tossed it under the table, and the three men began playing Russian roulette, each tossing down a drink and then stomping on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror. Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the three men in the bar. "Their wives could not even find their flesh because the blast destroyed everything," the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper reported.

And the 1999 Darwin Award winner is.....

(5 September 1999, Jerusalem) The switch away from daylight savings time caused consternation among terrorist groups this year. At precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely explosions.

Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from daylight savings time to standard time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to "live on Zionist time." Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued. The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings time. The confused drivers had already switched to standard time. As a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering to the terrorists their well-deserved demise.

see you tomorrow!

bad joke of the day

2009-10-29T03:13:03Z

It felt like spring out today. WTF Mother Nature?!?! It was warm and pretty balmy and it didn't rain. I had the kiddies after school and at lunch. My mom came home sick from work so i didn't have to worry abou the Gibbster being left alone while i was gone. However, he sits at the door and cries because i've left. Have I mentioned that he doesn't love my mother? I have no idea what it is but he is so NOT a fan of hers!

I have to say that all the hype surrounding the H1N1 vaccine/outbreak is grating on my one nerve. Yes, it has the potential to be brutal but come on. Can we say 'blame the media for the mass hysteria that is slowly starting to sweep the general population?" I wish people would wake up and realize that we are doing this to ourselves. Kids are kept too clean, there is hand sanitizer every where you look, doctors over prescribe antibiotics and there are vaccines for EVERYTHING! Does anyone else remember being exposed to any living soul who had any remote symptoms of the chicken pox as a child? Or playing outside in the dirt, and then having a snack without washing your hands? We're alive, aren't we? What's wrong with making your immune system do it's job?

Today is October 28 and here is today's joke:

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man.

I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."

see you tomorrow!

bad joke of the day

2009-10-28T02:09:52Z

Gibbs ate his leash today. He was being a pain in the ass so i stuck him on his leash and then stuck the handle of the leash under the table leg and he got pissed off so he ate it. He also had a bath tonight because he found something gross and smelly at the end of the yard and rolled in it. Right now, he's curled up in a ball, under th corner of my blanket. I had the kiddies after school so we took Gibbs for a long walk, then dropped him off at home. The kiddies and i decorated the inside of their house in all their hallowe'en paraphenilia and i made a pot of chili for dinner and did a couple of loads of laundry. And i have to point out that the neighbourhood shitheads struck again last night. This time they stole 3 of my small pumpkins. I found 2 of them by my neighbour's tree but the 3rd is gone forever. All i can say is that i'm glad that i'm not the only one with the issue. Even the house were i babysit got hit too. Today is October 27 and here is today's joke:

Bumper stickers 10

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply

I'm just driving this way to get you mad.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

Hang up and drive.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

see you tomorrow!

bad joke of the day

2009-10-27T01:05:19Z

*does a little happy dance and hands out Bitch Slaps to everyone* Canada's Worst Driver 5 starts tonight! I love CWD. One of the people on it this time has been in something like 12 accidents in 2 years and another guy won't spend more than a couple thousand on a car because he knows that he'll just get a new one when he writes off the one he's currently using. AND it was filmed in Borden this time. Borden is about 35 minutes southeast of here. In Gibbs news, he's reached the terrible two's. He slept about half the night and terrioized everyone and everything during the night, today he was evil. And he's discovered the kitty litter box. Picture me trying to get that crap (literally) out of his mouth while he's trying to bite me. No matter what I tried to do with him today, he was bad. I was tempted to call the breeder and ask her to change his name to "Evil Spawn of Satan". Today is October 26 and here is today's joke:

Father O'Flannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St.Peter's gate, there is another man in front, waiting to go into heaven. St. Peter asks the man, "What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?"

The man responds "My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York City Taxi driver for 14 years"

"Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your silk robe and golden sceptre, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord."

St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks "What is your name and what did you accomplish?"

He responds, "I'm Father O'Flannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord."

"Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter."

"Wait a minute," says O'Flannagan, "You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden sceptre, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?"

"Well," St. Peter replied, "We work on a performance scale, you see while you preached, everyone slept, when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!"

see you tomorrow!

bad joke of the day

2009-10-26T00:50:32Z

So dad and I took the mutt into Orillia today for a car ride and to go and see my grandmother. Gibbs is NOT a fan of the car. If any of you has any types for making him like the car, let me know! He loves my grandmother. He climbs all over her and curls up with her. After that, we decided to see if we could find the dog park. We did and he loved being there by himself, when other dogs showed up, he sat back and watched them play. Well, he played with the small dog but when the middle-sized dog wanted him to play, Gibbs sat behind my legs and watched. I don't want that. He needs to know how to play. Dad and I decorated the front some more, we added these runners that look like blood dripping down the porch and we got a couple of signs to stick on the front lawn. Needless to say, mom isn't impressed. Today is October 25 and here is today's joke:

Bumper stickers 12

Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.

Don't force it, get a larger hammer.

Earn cash in your spare time...blackmail friends.

Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.

Going the speed of light is bad for your age.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Herblock's Law: If it's good, they will stop making it.

History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

It works better if you plug it in.

see you tomorrow!

bad joke of the day

2009-10-25T02:49:29Z

So today Dad and I went into Orillia to go see the boats come in for the bass tournament that was going on today. The boats were amazing and some of the fish that the guys were bringing in were huge! One guy had a 6.84 pound smallmouth. Now i know that down in the South, that's not huge but for up here, it's pretty damn big! So the latest in Gibbs news involves my wonderful 22-pound orange hairball that i lovingly call Taz. At about 1:30 he let me know that he needed to go outside so i took him out. I headed back upstairs and after a couple of minutes, i realzed that he hadn't followed me. I came back downstairs and Gibbs was in the kitchen eating a hamburger patty. We'd had burger for dinner and we forgot to stuick the last one in the fridge when we went to bed. So we figure that Taz jumped up, and knocked it to the gloor. I swear to god that Taz was laughing as we were trying to pry the devil spawn's...i mean Gibbs' jaws open to retrieve the burger! Today is October 24 and here is today's joke:

Bumper stickers 22

My karma ran over your dogma.

I brake for... wait... AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!!

A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.

I'm not driving fast-just flying low.

Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.

My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird!

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

"I is a college student."

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

see yout omorrow!

bad joke of the day

2009-10-24T01:40:57Z

So i had the kiddies today plus they uber-annoying cousin, who is...well a brat. There is no nice way to say it. The kid can do no wrong in his parent's eyes, therefore, everything is supposed to go his way and if it doesn't, he throws a fit. But I took Gibbs with me so the boys basicaly played with him and ignored the cousin. I don't blame them. They can't stand the kid! So Gibbs was super tired tonight and has spent a lot of it asleep. He's curled up on the bed right now, and every once in a while, he glares at me, like it's my fault he ran around for 3 straight hours! Today is October 23 and here is today's joke: